I have always felt that the opposite is true too. To fix that writing which is too descriptive and meandering, the writer should "tell not show". Sometimes when I read things I want to know what is happening, not what things are. So quick, blunt statements are helpful. For example, in Candide by Voltaire, the narration is very simple and to the point. Alot can happen on a single page, and I think it's because he just "tells" you what's happening without too much fluff. The readers engagement comes from interpreting the characters, their choices, and the events, not the minutiae of various descriptions.
"I slide the board out of the way of the exit window, dropping my gear out, piece by piece. I fight the urge to look back at her as I swing my legs over the windowsill. I know, if I look back, I might hesitate, might change my mind, might join her in the delusion of a stable life, the lure of a soft, cushy bed. Air conditioning. Clean clothes. Unlimited cold drinks and hot food. The predictability of home. The promise of someone else. A sweet daydream wrapped up in electric bills and minimum wage, pretty pink shut off notices and eviction papers. And there’s no scenario where this doesn’t end worse than me leaving now."
Oh! Oops, it had not occured to me to show it's a first-floor window until now! He's not jumping, just leaving a squat without saying goodbye to a sleeping 'friend'. But out of context, I can totally see this reading way darker
Oh that's so interesting -- i think it was "exit" in front of window and the word "gear" that skewed it for me. I thought he was jumping out of a plane! I pictured him skydiving and the woman was like screw this, you're crazy. Crazy where our brains go without context!
Thank you for sharing, this is so helpful! (now onto the game)
SHOW: My fingers wrapped around a pill and I took it, dry-swallowing. As I waited for the Xanax to take hold, I turned to my laptop to read the emails. Halfway through the first one, the fatigue gripped me, and my eyes began slipping from the page. I sank into the feeling, welcoming the release from reality, the chemically-induced peace. I would worry about the emails tomorrow.
This may seem strange out of context, but here's my show:
I ran upstairs, jumping two steps at a time. Lena was fumbling with a drawer in the kitchenette. She spun around when I entered, a big kitchen knife in her hand.
I stopped. She watched me for a second, before putting the blade in its place. I let out a breath.
She ran up to me and hugged me, tears streaming down her face, sinking into my shirt. I put my arm around her, stroking her golden her with the other. Her fragile form shook with sobs. I kissed her head, whispering words of comfort.
Well clearly the MC is in great shape (and young!) to run up the stairs 2 at time without panting! MC is worried about Lena, and there is a great curiosity seed (what is Lena doing with that knife?!) You've done a really great job with visuals (cinematic writing). But I think you could "drop in" to your MC's head a bit more. "I let out a breath" is not that interesting... I know it is symbolic for a tension release, but I think the space would be of better use if you dove into his/her head. What is MC thinking now? Why this relief? Where does it come from. What is this person thinking?
Thank you for your suggestion. I'm still trying to strike a balance between action and inner thoughts. I'll work on letting my readers more inside the heads of my characters.
This is super interesting and evocative! I love the metaphor. The fact that it feels like there is a bulb in her stomach makes me think that she feels full, not that she is fasting. Maybe that is the intention? Even empty, the bulb is keeping her full...
SDT has always challenged me. I'd love to give it a go and see if I've learned anything over the years!!💃
When my husband saw us on the porch, he closed the fifty-yard distance with haste, and vaulted up the stairs two at a time. Not once did he make eye contact with me. His focus was intent upon Hettie. As soon as he was near enough, he tentatively reached out to cup her shoulder. It was a gentle movement. Time shifted—slowing. The sound of my pulsing blood became Atlantic waves crashing upon a rocky beach. I saw her flinch, and then she stood as still as a figure in Madam Tussauds’ Wax Museum.
Ok, I'm immediately curious what's going on between the husband and Hettie! She is clearly afraid of him, and he seems dismissive of (angry with?) his wife. The tension is palpable, and the cinematic writing is crisp and clear!
But take a look at the tiny jumps in POV:
"my husband saw us on the porch" --> that is not from our narrator's POV, bc the narrator does not have access to what her husband's sees. To put this in her POV, you could just say "My husband closed the fifty-yard distance..." (side note: why not say "he ran" or "he bolted" or use some other verb that indicates "closed the distance with haste?"
"his focus was intent upon Hettie" --> same POV jump as above. From narrator's POV you could say "he only stared at Hettie" or "his gaze was locked on Hettie"
Check out my part 2 that I posted yesterday about this!! I think we should get rid of the SDT rule entirely.
Thank you Laura....I'm so glad the tension was there and that the triangulation of the relationship came through. Thank you also for the great dissection of the POV. I'm just beginning a historical women's fiction. It's set in 1860 in the southern United States--lots to balance here such as antiquated language and womens' experiences.
Thank you for this advice - it was extremely helpful as someone who is constantly overthinking SDT.
Here's my example:
Renee's knuckles were white against the steering wheel. Only a few more minutes until she could park and relax with a shot, or two. She turned onto Piper's street and parked a few houses down. Her eyes darted around, making sure no one saw as she zipped out of the car to retrieve the liquor from her trunk. She slid back in and took a shot, a sigh of relief escaping her mouth as the amber liquid soothed her from the inside out. A second shot followed. She would have had a third, but the heat was becoming too much with the car turned off. She popped a mint in her mouth then stashed the empty evidence in the glovebox.
Love this -- I am getting so much info on Renee (drinking problem, obsession with Piper, maybe? fear of getting caught drinking). It is very cinematic, too. You've got that down. I do think there's room for more perspective. We are in her head (--we know she wants a shot and she's afraid of getting caught) but we are not REALLY in her head.
How do I know this?
"her knuckles were white" --> that is not from renee's perspective. In her POV it would be how the steering wheel feels in her hand. Or just simply, "she gripped the steering wheel." Both the knuckles and the grip are SHOWS but only one is from Renee's POV.
"a sigh of relief escaping her mouth" ---> not in Renee's perspective. "the bourbon burned her throat, but she knew the relief would follow." something like that would be in her POV--- literally, from her perspective.
She chucked a packet of ham, some white bread, a bag of potatoes in her basket. She could make something from that. She had a sandwich for dinner most nights now anyway. She added a bottle of vodka and a six pack of coke. Before she got to the till, she grabbed some tomatoes, all the tills were manned after all.
Well explained, with great examples. We all need regular Show Don’t Tell reminders. And then—feel free to disagree!—there are moments we need Show AND Tell.
Brilliant as always
😘😘😘😘
I have always felt that the opposite is true too. To fix that writing which is too descriptive and meandering, the writer should "tell not show". Sometimes when I read things I want to know what is happening, not what things are. So quick, blunt statements are helpful. For example, in Candide by Voltaire, the narration is very simple and to the point. Alot can happen on a single page, and I think it's because he just "tells" you what's happening without too much fluff. The readers engagement comes from interpreting the characters, their choices, and the events, not the minutiae of various descriptions.
This is such a great point. Thank you! I’m writing more about tell next week.
Ok — but — are heated driveways a Real Thing?!?
I live in Colorado and yes they are hahaha
This was very helpful!
Here's my show:
"I slide the board out of the way of the exit window, dropping my gear out, piece by piece. I fight the urge to look back at her as I swing my legs over the windowsill. I know, if I look back, I might hesitate, might change my mind, might join her in the delusion of a stable life, the lure of a soft, cushy bed. Air conditioning. Clean clothes. Unlimited cold drinks and hot food. The predictability of home. The promise of someone else. A sweet daydream wrapped up in electric bills and minimum wage, pretty pink shut off notices and eviction papers. And there’s no scenario where this doesn’t end worse than me leaving now."
Damn, I love the POV in this paragraph. You really nailed it. I am so curious about what is going on, whether the MC is going to jump.
Oh! Oops, it had not occured to me to show it's a first-floor window until now! He's not jumping, just leaving a squat without saying goodbye to a sleeping 'friend'. But out of context, I can totally see this reading way darker
Oh that's so interesting -- i think it was "exit" in front of window and the word "gear" that skewed it for me. I thought he was jumping out of a plane! I pictured him skydiving and the woman was like screw this, you're crazy. Crazy where our brains go without context!
Yes! Wow, I can totally see that! Kind of gives me Fool's Gold (2008) vibes viewed from that perspective.
Oh I love that line “A sweet daydream….” This raises all sorts of questions for me. Beautiful.
Thank you for sharing, this is so helpful! (now onto the game)
SHOW: My fingers wrapped around a pill and I took it, dry-swallowing. As I waited for the Xanax to take hold, I turned to my laptop to read the emails. Halfway through the first one, the fatigue gripped me, and my eyes began slipping from the page. I sank into the feeling, welcoming the release from reality, the chemically-induced peace. I would worry about the emails tomorrow.
Oh I know her!! TELL: she has anxiety issues and a pill problem
This may seem strange out of context, but here's my show:
I ran upstairs, jumping two steps at a time. Lena was fumbling with a drawer in the kitchenette. She spun around when I entered, a big kitchen knife in her hand.
I stopped. She watched me for a second, before putting the blade in its place. I let out a breath.
She ran up to me and hugged me, tears streaming down her face, sinking into my shirt. I put my arm around her, stroking her golden her with the other. Her fragile form shook with sobs. I kissed her head, whispering words of comfort.
Well clearly the MC is in great shape (and young!) to run up the stairs 2 at time without panting! MC is worried about Lena, and there is a great curiosity seed (what is Lena doing with that knife?!) You've done a really great job with visuals (cinematic writing). But I think you could "drop in" to your MC's head a bit more. "I let out a breath" is not that interesting... I know it is symbolic for a tension release, but I think the space would be of better use if you dove into his/her head. What is MC thinking now? Why this relief? Where does it come from. What is this person thinking?
Thank you for your suggestion. I'm still trying to strike a balance between action and inner thoughts. I'll work on letting my readers more inside the heads of my characters.
Ok. Here goes. I love to play around with words. My FB post today on Fasting for Lent.
" My stomach feels like there is a bulb in there, planted long ago in that small poor parish where I learned to love the Lord."
This is super interesting and evocative! I love the metaphor. The fact that it feels like there is a bulb in her stomach makes me think that she feels full, not that she is fasting. Maybe that is the intention? Even empty, the bulb is keeping her full...
SDT has always challenged me. I'd love to give it a go and see if I've learned anything over the years!!💃
When my husband saw us on the porch, he closed the fifty-yard distance with haste, and vaulted up the stairs two at a time. Not once did he make eye contact with me. His focus was intent upon Hettie. As soon as he was near enough, he tentatively reached out to cup her shoulder. It was a gentle movement. Time shifted—slowing. The sound of my pulsing blood became Atlantic waves crashing upon a rocky beach. I saw her flinch, and then she stood as still as a figure in Madam Tussauds’ Wax Museum.
Ok, I'm immediately curious what's going on between the husband and Hettie! She is clearly afraid of him, and he seems dismissive of (angry with?) his wife. The tension is palpable, and the cinematic writing is crisp and clear!
But take a look at the tiny jumps in POV:
"my husband saw us on the porch" --> that is not from our narrator's POV, bc the narrator does not have access to what her husband's sees. To put this in her POV, you could just say "My husband closed the fifty-yard distance..." (side note: why not say "he ran" or "he bolted" or use some other verb that indicates "closed the distance with haste?"
"his focus was intent upon Hettie" --> same POV jump as above. From narrator's POV you could say "he only stared at Hettie" or "his gaze was locked on Hettie"
Check out my part 2 that I posted yesterday about this!! I think we should get rid of the SDT rule entirely.
Thank you Laura....I'm so glad the tension was there and that the triangulation of the relationship came through. Thank you also for the great dissection of the POV. I'm just beginning a historical women's fiction. It's set in 1860 in the southern United States--lots to balance here such as antiquated language and womens' experiences.
These are great examples for anyone interested in parsing the old adage "show don't tell!"
Excellent explanation, it's always a stumbling block.
Thank you for this advice - it was extremely helpful as someone who is constantly overthinking SDT.
Here's my example:
Renee's knuckles were white against the steering wheel. Only a few more minutes until she could park and relax with a shot, or two. She turned onto Piper's street and parked a few houses down. Her eyes darted around, making sure no one saw as she zipped out of the car to retrieve the liquor from her trunk. She slid back in and took a shot, a sigh of relief escaping her mouth as the amber liquid soothed her from the inside out. A second shot followed. She would have had a third, but the heat was becoming too much with the car turned off. She popped a mint in her mouth then stashed the empty evidence in the glovebox.
Love this -- I am getting so much info on Renee (drinking problem, obsession with Piper, maybe? fear of getting caught drinking). It is very cinematic, too. You've got that down. I do think there's room for more perspective. We are in her head (--we know she wants a shot and she's afraid of getting caught) but we are not REALLY in her head.
How do I know this?
"her knuckles were white" --> that is not from renee's perspective. In her POV it would be how the steering wheel feels in her hand. Or just simply, "she gripped the steering wheel." Both the knuckles and the grip are SHOWS but only one is from Renee's POV.
"a sigh of relief escaping her mouth" ---> not in Renee's perspective. "the bourbon burned her throat, but she knew the relief would follow." something like that would be in her POV--- literally, from her perspective.
Give me another one!
Very good insights! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and share your feedback in such a detailed manner, Laura. :-)
very nicely done... I am going to share this with my writers group
thank you!
Love this, here’s mine:
She chucked a packet of ham, some white bread, a bag of potatoes in her basket. She could make something from that. She had a sandwich for dinner most nights now anyway. She added a bottle of vodka and a six pack of coke. Before she got to the till, she grabbed some tomatoes, all the tills were manned after all.
She's there for the vodka. She doesn't want to seem pathetic, even to a likely stranger, so she gets something fresh, too. Fab.
Yes, I think she’s just generally given up on life.
but not totally, or she wouldn't have gotten the tomatoes! She still cares how people see her
Very true - she needs someone like you to see she’s till still worth saving ❤️
I bet she will!
This is the best description of show-don't-tell I've ever seen!
thank you!
Well explained, with great examples. We all need regular Show Don’t Tell reminders. And then—feel free to disagree!—there are moments we need Show AND Tell.
EXACTLY!
Exactly, Laura!